Joke thread

[Willie_B]

I Want You
I Shall Seek And Find You
I Shall Take You To Bed And Have My Way With You
I Shall Make You Ache ,shake,sweat Till You Moan
I Will Make You Beg For Mercy
I Will Exhaust You Till The Point you Will Be Relieved When I, am Finished With You
You Will Be Weak For Days
All My Love
Swine Flu

[Willie_B]

Subject: Irish Slippers
> >>
> >>
> >> Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him.
> >>
> >> Mick says, 'How you doin?'
> >>
> >> Paddy says 'Do us a favour, nip upstairs and get me slippers, me feet
> >> are freezing.'
> >>
> >> Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters
> >> sitting on the bed ...

> >> He says, 'Your dad's sent me up here to sh*g the both of you '.
> >>
> >> They say, 'Get away with ya ... prove it.'
> >>
> >> Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?'
> >>
> >> Paddy shouts back, 'Of course both of em, what's the point of f*ckin
> >> one?'

[jeff10049]

A farmer had so many children, he ran out of names, so he started naming his kids after something around the farm. The first day of school began, and the teacher asked each child their name. When he got to one of the farmer's son the boy replied "Wagon Wheel".

The teacher said... "I need your REAL name, son"...to which he boy replied,

"It's Wagon Wheel, sir...Really".

The teacher in a huff..said.. "Alright young man...march yourself right down to the principal's office THIS minute!!!!"

The boy got out of his chair, turned to his sister and said.. "Come on, Chicken Shit....he ain't gonna believe YOU, neither !"

[Willie_B]

Pirate walks into a bar
the bartender asks why he has a steering wheel coming out of his pants
He says, Arghh, it's driving me nuts....

[gasmini]

Vernon works hard at the Phone Company but spends two  nights each week bowling and plays
golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Vern! How ya doing?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Vern. "He's in my bowling league..."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern if he'd like his usual and brings him over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.  I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all over him
and says... "Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Vern's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab.  Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else,  but his
wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book..

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.'


VERN'S  FUNERAL WILL BE FRIDAY AT 2:00

[gasmini]

A guy　went into　his proctologist's office for　his first rectal exam.　The nurse, Evelyn (new to the job),　took　him to an examining room and told　him to get undressed and to have a seat until the doctor could see him.　 She said that the doc would only be a few minutes.
　After putting on the gown that she gave　him, he sat down.　 While waiting,　he observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:
A Tube of K-Y jelly
A rubber glove
And a beer
　
When the doctor finally came in　he said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused.　 This is my first exam.
　
　
I know what the K-Y is for
　
　
And I know what the glove is for,
　
　
But can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

At that Doctor Paul scrunched up his face in irritation and stormed over to the door
He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse ..

Darn it Evelyn !!!
I said a BUTT LIGHT!

[Willie_B]

Why did the co-joined twins move from the US to the UK?


The other one wanted to drive.

[MiniDave]

See if any of the youngsters here get this......

[94touring]

Said the joker to the thief

[MPlayle]

Said the joker to the thief.

Edit:
Posted at the same time as Dan.

[jeff10049]

There's too much confusion
I can't get no relief

[gasmini]

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY, I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.

WELL . . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.



MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.



I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO.



COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?



AS SOON AS I SAW HIM IN PERSON, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.



THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.



AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.



'YES. YES, I DID.  I'M A MUSTANG!', HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.



WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.



HE ANSWERED, '1975.  WHY DO YOU ASK?'



YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.



HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.



THEN, THAT UGLY,



OLD,



BALD,



WRINKLED FACED,



FAT-ASSED,



GRAY-HAIRED,



DECREPIT


SLOB


ASKED,
'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'

[94touring]

A Jewish boy asked his father for $50.  The father replied, $30, what do you need $20 for?!