The good, exciting, bad, and embarrassing of my work week

[94touring]

Started a trip 5 days ago.  I initially had a day 1 that wasn't productive and didn't pay much as a result.  Since it started late and I comutte in early, I found a flight from Chicago to Akron and back that needed a captain.   It fit in perfectly with my schedule and paid double time.  Perfect.  I show up, check in, print out my paperwork and head to the United board to see what gate I'm going out of.  Wasn't on the board.  Look at the united app, not on the app.  Look at some other resources, nothing.  I call up dispatch and explain that I think this flight doesn't exist.  They seem confused so look into it and sure enough it wasn't a real flight.  I still get paid double time, so score.

Day 2 rolls around and I'm flying back from Charleston West Virginia to Chicago.  Weather pops up, I get some reroutes in flight, I plug things in, and we don't have the fuel to make it.   Text back and forth with company and run some alternates by them along with fuel numbers and we settle on landing in Springfield.   Ideally we land, I gas up, get my paperwork, and head right back out.  Unfortunately their computer systems there don't jive with our company and 20 minutes of back and forth and on the phone I was able to get a fax of the paperwork I needed.  The fueler is wrapping up and comes on board after adding about $3500 worth of gas and goes "ok how would you like to pay for this".  Back on the phone for awhile...

Very next flight going into Dayton I get a text from dispatch a bad cell is moving onto the field and to prepare for my 2nd diversion of the day.  I reply: I'm going in, wish us luck.  Storm is closing in fast, I'm doing about 335 indicated (edge of the barber pole) the last bit before dropping under 10k feet, slowing to 250, hand fly around the edge of the storm hauling ass at 2500 feet, drop out the boards and gear, chop the power, configure super fast, and slide in as the rain wall hits.  My first officer is retired navy and did hurricane flying and remarked that was the slickest landing he's seen in our jet since working here.

Then the next day work junior mans me into working an extra day at work.  Which sucks because I have shop stuff I want to do.  However it does pay well, so can't complain.  Spend the night in Appleton Wisconsin.  Find myself downstairs having dinner and make my way back to my room on the 3rd floor.  The elevators are slow at this hotel.  My stomach is in the early stages of telling me I need to make a pit stop on my toilet.   After what feela like an eternity I get to the 3rd floor.  Go to my room but my key doesn't work.  Hmmm am I in 3110 or 3108? No...3106? No.  Not good as I'm about to explode.  Back to the elevator.  There's a group of people gathered waiting for it.  I determine I'm running out of time and decide to take the stairs down to the front desk to detemine my room or get a new key.  Find the stairs and make my way down, counting the floors as I get to the lobby level.  Go to open the door and it's locked.  Shit! Go up to the 2nd floor.  Locked.  3rd floor locked.  Panic sets in.   No big deal, I have my phone and will call the front desk to rescue me.  As I'm looking up the number my phone dies!  I'm completely isolated and no one can see or hear me.  I go back downstairs and continue another level down to a basement.  I find bags of salt, chairs, shovels, and a blue bucket.   Do I shit my pants or go in the bucket? Bucket it is.   Finish up and begin my search in the underworld of the hotel and finally find a door that opens up into the street.  Turns out I was in room 3104 and I took the fire stairs to bowel movement hell instead of another set of stairs that wouldn't have caged me in.

Now I'm going home to recover.

[MiniDave]

T-Storms this time of year can pop up anywhere and quickly, right?

When you gotta go, you gotta go! Glad you at least found a bucket.....

I was doing the south leg of a Tiajuana - Ensenada bike ride and all of a sudden my stomach ells me I'm in big trouble, all I could find was a small bush to go behind, luckily I had a couple of Klenex and since we were out in the middle of nowhere I didn't feel too bad to be leaving a present. But I did get my share of hoots and giggles from riders passing by as I was losing my religion.....

[gr8kornholio]

So this is going to turn into to the where have you had to OMG.... gotta go! thread.  My best/worst was killing a freshly cleaned gas station toilet at like 4 in the morning coming home from a casino.  Did feel bad for the little lady store clerk who was going to have to clean again.

Driving in pop up storms in interesting enough, can't imagine flying into/around them.

[jeff10049]

Damn, that's a lot of bad weather real close.
I'm guessing an image of your gut by the time you were in that basement would have looked about the same and it was already past the BRUNY waypoint when you found the bucket LOL.

[tsumini]

Ok crap in the pants story.
In 2001 we were living in Australia. We took a trip to Uluru to the natives (Ayres rock to europeans). I decided to climb Ayers Rock which was discouraged by the native aborigine. If you have ever been there you will know that the first third has a rope to pull yourself up with. the top is basically a dome which gets easier and easier. You will also notice that there is not a single tree bush or living thing except other tourists up and down. There are a couple of potholes on the side a few inches deep. There are no bathrooms at all except for the parking lot down below. As soon as I get to the top i feel that pang in the digestive track that says you gotta go.. quickly. Having felt this before I knew i was in trouble so immediately headed down, al the while keeping a lookout for something to get behind...no luck kept going. Pressure mounting...down as fast as i can. hit the rope kept going. Walking makes it worse but can't stop. Hit the bottom and head for the bathroom still 100 yards away. My wife and SIL waiting for me. outa my way bathroom.  The closer I get the more it hurt 15 feet and I'm pigeon walking, 10 feet and I explode shit everywhere...wearing shorts...down my leg. Into the door. Then i get lucky. There's a wash stand with real water in it! Half an hour later and i'm cleaned up a little. still stink. Get lucky again...Hotel is a few minutes away and with the windows open in 36 degree celcius I make it.
International incident avoided...Halfway down with that dump and I would have been banned for life.
My SIL rags me about this to this day.

[94touring]

That put a smile on my face  ;D

[BruceK]

I was vacationing with my wife in Italy several years ago and I had a bad near-miss (the bathroom) incident.  We were happily wandering in the center of the ancient, walled city of Lucca.  Then my stomach starts signaling a major problem is approaching.  I have no idea why.  Bad food?  No the food was delicious. Something in the water?  But it was bottled water.  I don't have time to reason with my digestive tract, and I start scanning for a potential bathroom.  But there's nothing in sight. Being a very old place with few modern touches, there are none of the usual solutions I could find back home: no fastfood restaurants, no gas stations, no convenience stores - just narrow cobblestone streets filled with tourists and locals which wind between old stone buildings.  Mild panic sets in and I inform my wife that I am very seriously going to crap my pants.  We are looking for a place - any place - that might have a public toilet and I select a shop and go in.  The owner, used to dealing with tourists, says the very American phrase, "Bathrooms are for customers only".  Ugh!  I tell him okay, I'll buy something!  He says he only rents bicycles.  "Okay, we'll rent some bikes!" I say pretty emphatically. He gives me directions down several narrow hallways to the restroom.  My butt is pleading with me. Fortunately, when I finally find the single toilet bathroom it is unoccupied, and the explosion is fully contained. Just.  After some time, and tidying myself up, I return to the shop floor.  Now it's time to pay the piper.  My wife has already begun the rental process.  We end up getting two bikes and we really had a great ride around on top of the wide, tree-lined walls surrounding the city.   But I think that what I really rented was the bathroom, and the bikes were just freebies. 

[94touring]

That wet trail on the cobblestone could have been you lol

[MiniDave]

Wasn't Lucca where they filmed a Top Gear episode, and showed them driving on top of the walls trying to figure out how to get out of the city?

[BruceK]

Wasn't Lucca where they filmed a Top Gear episode, and showed them driving on top of the walls trying to figure out how to get out of the city?

Yup, that's the place.  We've visited a couple of times.   In reality you can't drive to the old city center without a local permit (and as TG showed, you really would not want to because it is so tight).  And the top of the walls aren't open to vehicle traffic - just pedestrians and bikes.  But, you know, TV.   

[94touring]

I guess I have more story to add, which doesn't involve crapping one's pants.  Saturday night Jen had a girls night out and being a bit careless after too many glasses of wine, had her purse stolen from the pool at our complex.  Let me also say we have about 600 residents and 1 or 2 druggies that live in the building.  Living downtown doesn't help matters.  2 weeks ago I caught a meth/crack head jumping the fence.  Naturally I called security but since they're slow, I had to take matters into my own hands...meaning I followed him into the elevator and removed him manually myself.  He wasn't a fan and took off running, leaving his drug backpack behind.  All that to say the person who stole her purse is probably 1 of the 2 guys I've been keeping an eye on.  Jen and I kinda run the place and we just hired new security to crack (pun) down further. In her purse was her phone, credit cards, and of course all of our keys.  We had the house rekeyed the next day.  Figure they live on property and now have our home address too and the keys to the house.  Next morning she's getting ready for work while I am getting ready to go to the shop.  Her car has been stolen.  Spend most of the morning dealing with police and insurance.  Drive her to the tag agency to get a new licence so she can get a rental car.  My insurance covers the rental too.  It's her car, but I own the thing.  2006 JCW if I forgot to meantion it.  Since my day is blown by this point I run errands and proceed to do laundry for work that starts today.  Around 1pm the phone rings and the car has been found at an appliance company parking lot.  Back on the phone coordinating with police and insurance.   Longer story short the car is more or less fine.  No body damage, starts up and drives normally, but the interior had some damage done.  Piddly stuff like ripped the rear view mirror off and broke the arm rest kind of stuff.   We want it rekeyed also.   Dropped it off at a shop that works on this kinda stuff. 

[gr8kornholio]

Reminds me of my time spent in San Diego.  So don't miss all that crap.  Yay suburbs.  I must be getting old to have said that.  Won't be long before I'm the old guy in his pj's yelling at the dumb  punks to get off my lawn.

[MPlayle]

Dan,

Sorry to hear about the "crime spree" with you and Jen the victims.

Did the cops do any "crime scene investigator" stuff for prints, etc.?  Might match something from the drug pack to the damage to the car?

[94touring]

Years ago I had a car stolen and asked if they do prints ect...  his answer was literally "this isn't an episode of csi". So no.   It reminds me of the big lewbowski.

Also...  as bad as it all sounds, I have good insurance so really didn't care.  And Jen's company bought her a brand new s9 and decided to put her in their plan, so my phone bill went down.  Making money out of the deal.  Kinda like when my rx7 was f'd up by my idiot family and I pocketed the insurance money and fixed it myself for $500.   Go ahead and mess my stuff up.

[Jims5543]

If only I was that bucket...

My life would be complete.

[MiniGene]

This thread made me literally made me laugh out loud--several times.  So much so that my entire family came over to see what was so funny.

The stories are unfortunate, but thanks guys, I needed the laugh.

[Jims5543]

I have one, I wish I could find the story typed somewhere so I did not have to re-type it but here it goes.

The year 2002 (approx) I was at a newer recreation area on International Drive in Orlando called Pointe Orlando.  We were in town for some reason, which I cannot remember and ended up there for dinner and shopping. We ate at Shula's Steakhouse (famous coach of the Dolphins) and after walking around the pretty big complex shopping in stores.

Suddenly it hits me, something from dinner wanted out.. I was in a lot of pain. I told my wife I was off to find a bathroom and in a hurry.

I find a bathroom, it is next to the parking garage so there is a lot of come and go traffic.

I grab a stall in a corner, the toilet is wretched, I am not sitting on THAT!! So I decide to do what my wife calls squatting over the toilet, in order to avoid contact. I have to admit I have never attempted this before.

I know, the forces of nature are pushing like the hammer of Thor on my sphincter.  I am fighting this force with every ounce of my being.  You see, this is a crowded mens room, I was younger and not as wily as I am today, I will get back to that.

So I am trying to be polite and not let this go in a crowded mens room. I am trying to hold it back with all my might.

Just at the moment when I think I am alone and ready to let go, a solitary dood walks in the piss. While I am waiting for him to finish, I formulate a plan. I decide it will be best to let go the moment he flushed the urinal, therefore masking the sound of my vile excretion with the sound of a loud flushing, public urinal.

He flushes and I decide at the last moment to push as well as let go... the sound was louder than the urinal, the smell, was remarkable, I wanted to immediately run out of there with my pants down.

My plan failed the noise was way too loud, the dude busted out laughing and ran out of the mens room.  That pig didn't even wash his hands. What an animal!!

I am finally relieved, I am so happy, I grab a big helping of TP and begin the clean up on isle asscrack.

Once satisfied I turn around to flush...... mother of god.... remember the part about never squatting? Yeah... seems there is a technique to this ass dropping squatting move. A technique I am obviously lacking...

So I look back and it seems my "angle of attack" was pretty far from ideal, I had "decorated" the entire toilet, and about 3' up the wall behind it with splatter. It was a horrendous sight, I was mortified, and at the same time, entertained and tickled with delight over the chaos I had created.

I washed my hands, because I am not an animal, and went out to find my wife so I could tell her about my awesome accomplishment.  She was not impressed at all.

Looking back, you could not pay me enough to clean that up, and at the same time, I now understand why there are spigots and floor drains in public restrooms.

Don't judge me. At least I did not shit in a bucket someone needed.

[Jims5543]

Oh and to continue to a thought....

Today me?

I would walk in with a NFG attitude, announcing on my way to whatever fucking stall is open,  "Y'all have about 30 seconds to GTF out of this bathroom, what is about to happen will be of biblical proportions and if you witness it, we will be having a religious experience together."

[94touring]

Lol can't say I've ever hit a wall.

[Jims5543]

Lol can't say I've ever hit a wall.

the story was on NoPistons, I am not going there to find it.

[94touring]

Ahh NoPistons.  Good times. 

[Jims5543]